Continuing our journey of the road of transaction
analysis laid by Thomas A. Harris, let’s move ahead from the Child, Adult
Parent psychological states and discover what plays in the background in our
subconscious whose manifestation are in the form of these states.
Very early in life every child concludes ‘I’m not
OK’. He makes a conclusion about his parents also: ‘You are OK’. This is the
first thing he figures out in his life-long attempt to make sense of himself
and the orld in which he lives. This position, I’M NOT OK – YOU’RE OK, is the
most deterministic decision of his life. It is permanently recorded and will
influence everything he does. Because it is a decision it can be changed by a
new decision. But not until it is understood.
Transactional Analysis constructs the following classification
of the four possible life positions held with respect to one self and others.
1. I’M NOT OK – YOU’RE OK
2. I’M NOT OK – YOU’RE NOT OK
3. I’M OK – YOU’RE NOT OK
4. I’M OK – YOU’RE OK
By the end of the second year of life, or sometime
during the third year, the child has decided on one of the first three
positions. The I’M NOT OK – YOU’RE OK is the first tentative decision based on
the experiences of the first year of life. By the end of the second year it is
either confirmed and settled or it gives way to Position 2 or 3. I’M NOT OK –
YOU’RE NOT OK or I’M OK – YOU’RE NOT OK. Once finalized, the child stays in his
chosen position and it governs everything that he does. It stays with him the
rest of his life, unless he later consciously changes it to the fourth position.
People do not shift back and forth. The first three are nonverbal decisions.
They are conclusions, not explanations. Yet they are more than conditioned
responses.
I’m Not OK – You’re
OK is the universal position of early childhood, being the infant’s
logical conclusion from the situation of birth and infancy. There is ok-ness in
this position. Every child is stroked in the first year of life simply by the
fact that he has to be picked up to be cared for. Without at least minimal
handling the infant would not survive. There is also NOT-OKnes. That is the
conclusion about himself. IN the first position the person feels at the mercy
of others. He feels a great need for stroking, or recognitions, which is the
psychological version of the early physical stroking. In this position there is
hope because there is a source of stroking – YOU’RE OK – EVEN IF THE STROKING
IS NOT CONSTANT. The Adult has something to work on: what must I do to gain
their strokes, or their approval? The need for recognition, appreciation, approval,
being desired all these are outcome of our subconscious need of being stroked.
Here I would add a footnote about a concept called
Life Script because further discussion on these 4 positions of life would need its
reference.
We create stories about our lives,
what they have been and what they will be. This starts in childhood where we
weave our perceptions of ourselves and of the world around us into a narrative
about what we can and will do.
These life scripts then continue to
have a deep and unconscious effect on how we live our lives. They affect the
decision we make. They control what we think we could easily do and could never
do. They shape our self-image. And yet we seldom realize where they come from
or even do not know that they exist at all.
Our life scripts are often encouraged
and shaped by parents and other family members, whose life scripts were shaped
by their parents and so on. In this way, we become a product of our family's history.
Likewise, our scripts are also woven by cultural and national forces.
Life scripts are not all the same as
they may also be significantly affected by individual events, such as being
criticized by a teacher or bullied by other children. They also are constrained
by inherited characteristics. For example it would be unusual (but not
impossible) for a shorter person to include being a basketball player in their
life script.
There are often overall shapes to
life scripts that can be expressed very simply, for example 'I am a loser' or
'I must help save the world'. Life scripts can be very detailed and they can be
very vague. They can be very empowering, yet they can also severely limit our
lives. (Ref. www.chaningminds.org)
So, the first is to live out a life script that
confirms the NOT OK. The script may call for a life of withdrawal, since it’s
painful to be around OK people. “Hum to bhai aise hi hain”, “I am ME” are some
of the expressions that you might have heard from people ostensibly showing
their confidence but its actually “I’M NOT OK” is what coming out loud and
clear from their presentation. A person may seek stroking through make believe
and engage in elaborate wish-life of if I, and when I. You
must have also came across such statements - “Agar mere paas paise hotey” or “Main agar
boss hota” etc. (“If I had loads of
money”, or “If I was the head of this organization”). Another person’s script
may call for behavior which is provoking to the point where others turn on him
spanking (negative stroking), thus provoking once again. I’M NOT OK – The bad
little boy – who says “I am bad so I’ll be bad”, “Main Ganda Bachcha hoon” .
I’m Not OK – You’re
Not OK by the end of first
year something significant has happened to the child. He is walking. He no
longer has to be picked up. If his mother is cold and non-stroking, if she only
put up with him during the first year because she had to, this his learning to
walk means that his ‘babying’ days are over. The stroking ceases entirely. In
addition punishments come harder and more often as he is able to climb out of
his crib, as he gets into everything, and won’t stay put. Even self-inflicted
hurts come more frequently as his mobility sends him tripping over obstacles
and tumbling down stairs. Life, which in the first year had some comforts, now
has none. The stroking has disappeared. If this state of abandonment and difficulty
continues without relief through the second year of life, the child concludes I’M
NOT OK – YOU’RE NOT OK. In this position the Adult stops developing since one
of its primary functions – getting strokes – is thwarted in that there is no
source of stroking. A person in this position gives up. There is no hope. He
simply gets through life and ultimately may end up in a state of extreme
withdrawal, with regressive behavior which reflects a vague, archaic longing to
get back to life as it was in the first year during which he received the only
stroking he ever knew – as an infant who was held and fed. The individual in
this position stops using his Adult with regard to his relationships with
others.
I’m OK – You’re Not OK – A child who is brutalized long enough by the
parents he initially felt were OK will switch positions to the third, or
criminal position: I’M OK – YOU’RE NOT OK. There is OK-ness here, but where does
it come from? Where is the source of stroking if YOU’RE NOT OK. After being thrashed by his so far OK
parents, in the absence of anyone to stroke. The child finds solace in himself,
he feels better when he is alone, he feels better when he is healing from the
injuries inflicted by his parents. He finds that he gets his stroke from himself
that makes him OK. And the erstwhile OK parents are now NOT OK. Such a little
person has experienced brutality, but he has also experienced survival. What
has happened can happen again. I did survive. I will survive. He refuses to
give up. As he grows older he begins to strike back. He has seen toughness and
knows how to be tough. He also has permission (in his Parent) to be tough and
to be cruel. Hatred sustains him although he may learn to conceal it with a mask
of measured politeness. Remember the character of Amitabh Bachchan in his film
Lawaris, his character was a typical profile of I’m OK – You’re Not OK. Apni
to jaise taise kat jayegi, aapka kya hoga janab-e-aali. The first song that
the character sings in the film describes his psychology. His abhorrence of rich
people – which he showed in his first transaction with the character played by
Zeenat Aman, at the restaurant, though it was uncivil, inappropriate, bad but
he had justification about it – I’m OK. The writer has described the childhood
of the character, where is father treats him very badly and turns into NOT OK
personality for him) the person in the I’M OK – YOU’RE NOT OK position suffers from
stroking deprivation. A stroke is only as good as the stroker. And there are no
OK people.
I’M OK – YOU’RE
OK is a position and not a
feeling unlike the earlier three states. It’s a conscious choice which you make
by analyzing revisiting earlier NOT OK memories, and holding on to the position
of I’M OK – YOU’RE OK. There are no instant results and outcome,
which the Child in us would want as he is interested in instant gratification,
but Adult in us understands the requirement of patience and faith. We must
understand the span of effect and span of control in our transactions to be
successful in reaching and staying to this fourth position.
Franklin H. Ernst Jr., M.D, developed an OK matrix,
based on I’M OK-YOU’RE OK construct designed by Thomas Harris, which described
the interaction and probable response outcome of transactions among individuals
of these four positions. You can map your responses and reactions to find out
about your behavior pattern and decide for yourself.
YOU
|
|
You’re OK
|
You’re not OK
|
|
I’m OK
|
Get on with others
|
Get rid of them
|
|
I’m not OK
|
Get away from them
|
Get nowhere
|
*
Matrix proposed by Frank Ernst
I'm not OK - You're OK
When you are in I'm not OK you are OK position, then you are putting
yourself in an inferior position with respect to the other person.
This position may come from being belittled as a child, perhaps from
dominant parents or maybe careless teachers or bullying peers.
People in this position have a particularly low self-esteem and will
put others before them. They may thus have a strong 'Please Others' driver.
I'm OK - You're not OK
People in this position feel themselves superior in
some way to others, who are seen as inferior and not OK. As a result, they may
be contemptuous and quick to anger. Their talk about others will be smug and
supercilious, contrasting their own relative perfection with the limitation of
others.
This position is a trap into which many managers,
teachers, parents and others in authority fall, assuming that their given
position makes them better and, by implication, others are not OK.
These people may also have a strong 'Be Perfect'
driver, and their personal strivings makes others seem less perfect.
I'm OK - You're OK
When you consider yourself OK and also frame others
as OK, then there is no position for you or the other person to be inferior or
superior.
This is, in many ways, the ideal position. Here,
the person is comfortable with other people and with himself. He is confident, happy and get on with other
people even when there are points of disagreement.
I'm not OK - You're not OK
This is a relatively rare position, but perhaps
occurs where people unsuccessfully try to project their bad objects onto
others. As a result, they remain feeling bad whilst also perceive others as
bad.
This position could also be a result of
relationships with dominant others where the other people are viewed with a
sense of betrayal and retribution. This may later get generalized from the
bullies to all others people.
We don’t control other’s behavior, responses,
attitude which is the result of their scripts, the emotional psychological
baggage that everyone is carrying. Understand how you frame yourself and others
as being OK and note how you respond to this. Then think about the other person
and how they are framing it. This
understanding and appreciation would help you manage your feelings and let you
remain the in-charge of the situation. It will help you have the desired paradigm
shift in terms of understanding the other person’s point of you and deciding
course of action proactively rather than reactively.
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