Few years ago, I interviewed
famous filmmaker, director, writer Shri Mahesh Bhatt during International Spirituality
Conference at School of Management Sciences. I asked him what is his definition
of spirituality, how would one identify a spiritual person, Mr. Bhatt looked at
me and said – “A spiritual person would never make you feel small” A very simple
explanation, simple definition, but quite convincing.
If you think about the people in
your life, who have not ridiculed you, always encouraged you, uplifted your
soul when you were down and out, you will also relate to this definition of a
spiritual person.
Is it not a good idea to be like
those people and influence the life of others the way they have influenced yours?
There are few simple principles that you need to incorporate in your attitude
and behavior, and you will see magic happening around you.
1.
Give Sincere Compliments: People
need and want to be complimented. Compliments bring out the best efforts in
people by uplifting and motivating them. Even if people make mistakes, focus on
their successful efforts, and compliment them on those items. The natural
tendency is to tell people what they did wrong. This will result in a decrease
of motivation and performance. Encouragements and compliments are a much more effective
teaching device than criticism, so always look for opportunities to compliment
those around you.
2. Smile:
Actions speak louder than words, and a smile says, “I like you. You make me
happy, I’m glad to see you.” People who smile tend to manage and teach more
effectively.
3. Remember
names: Remembering a person’s name and using it regularly is a subtle and very
effective compliment. Forget or misspell a name and you have placed yourself at
a sharp disadvantage. Take the time and effort to memorize the names of each
person with whom you associate. When someone tells you their name, make sure
you heard it correctly. Then memorize it by repeating it in your mind,
associating it with something, and when possible, write it down.
4. Value
Difference: To succeed with people you must value the mental, emotional, and
psychological differences that exist among people. The key to valuing
differences is to realize that people do not see the world as it is, but as
they are. A person who is truly effective with people has the humility to
recognize his own perceptual limitations and to appreciate the rich resources
available through interaction with the hearts and minds of other people. Others
add to your knowledge and to your understanding of reality. Is it possible for
two people to disagree and both being right? Yes. For example, a person is
standing outside a room, sees a handle on the door knob, and tells the person
standing inside the room, hey there is a knob on your door, but the guy inside
the room doesn’t see any, and says no, there is no knob on my door, they
disagree and now they have an option of arguing and fighting as both are right
from their point of view, but if one of them says, you may be right but please
come to my side and see, or says, wait I know I am right, but let me come to
your side and see for myself why are you claiming what you are claiming, and
both discover that their point of view was correct from their perspective, so
from their positions they can say, we are correct from our point of view, but
at the same time I appreciate and understand your point of view as well. Until
we value the differences in our perceptions and give credence to the
possibility that we’re both right, we will struggle in our relationships.
5. Don’t
Gossip: There is a tendency of people to say negative comments about those
around them and to gossip about the faults of others. Don’t be part of it. If
you say negative things about individuals not present, you are sending a
message to those who are present that you would do the same to them. The way to
gain the respect and loyalty of those present is to be respectful and loyal to
those who are not present.
If
constructive criticism is necessary for a specific person, it should be done in
private with love and with the intent of helping the individual. Don’t correct
a person in front of others. Also, while giving feedback, talk about what the
person does well, what you like about them, and even talk about your own
mistakes before correcting his.
6. If
offended, take the initiative: Often when we are offended, our tendency is to
wait for the offender to offer an apology or to at least acknowledge that he or
she has wronged us. If the apology does not come, we allow our wounds to
fester, and bitterness and resentment spread though our souls like poison. We
then not only have a strained relationship, but a bitter soul as well. Nelson
Mandela taught, “Resentment is like drinking poison and then hoping it will
kill your enemies.” Often times if you take the initiative to clear things up,
the issue can be resolved quickly.
These
are some of the points which help us build, maintain and sustain relationships.
I will share some more in my next post.
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